I once saw a thriller movie and at one point in a scene, there was blood oozing under the door frame into the closet where the actor was hiding. The actor had no idea what was going on until there was so much blood, he was 4-5 inches deep and it was “too late” for him. He succumbed to the monster with a blood curdling scream. I always wondered why that scene stuck with me… until it made a lot of sense for me today.
That’s what I start feeling around day 20-22 in my PMDD cycle. Everything is going wonderfully up until that point. In fact, yesterday I was just thinking how much energy and drive I had and how I could keep up with my goals for sure! I would smash my PMDD out of the water and win this month. I just knew it.
But today I noticed the muck leaching under the closet door.
It came in a way of noticing my bloated belly and my 4 lb weight gain overnight. How could I possibly send that to my coach?!
It came when I just couldn’t get the seam on my sock to sit right in my shoe or the drawstring on my pants kept loosening. I didn’t hate those pants last week, they were my uniform and now I can’t wait to get rid of them.
It leached more when I looked at my calendar and had dread of this coming weekend. Too many social events and planned things I need to “show up” for… panic, sweat, heat… how do I cancel these? Too much going on.
It came in more when I realized that my whole house was SO dirty and I am the ONLY one who seems to care. The load of work gets heavier and I notice everything wrong.
It leached when one hand on my back from my husband sent so much electric energy into my body I was awake for another hour trying to calm back down. OVer stimulation of simple things.
It rose with foggy mind issues, frustration of my hair today, feeling SO gross that I haven’t had time to shower and shave since Saturday and the hairs are catching on my leggings. In my workout where I couldn’t even look myself in the eyes I was that disgusted with who I am.
And with all these things I think, “That’s just weird. I know those thoughts and feelings aren’t who I am. I wonder what is going on?”
After a certain point in my day, it hits me. Every time, it hits like a bus. PMDD is here again. And I sorrow. I ache. I mourn.
For the life I am losing. For the pain I will cause. For another month, another round, another destroyer coming though of all that I had tried to build the past two weeks.
And I am tempted to just sit in the muck and let the monster take me too.
***We do not claim to be a doctor or anything of the like. This document is for educational and journaling purposes only. Any action taken by the reader is their sole responsibility and should be done with discretion. No claim can be made against Adagio FIT or its employees. If you ever have any questions, take them to your primary care doctor.***